There are things in this world that I don't understand.

usually the only thing that can keep my thoughts is john.
john.
he's amazing.
one day last week when he slept away from me(in his room) i felt empty.
every time i enter a relationship i say "i never get like this" but i think this time it's true.
i know, i said it to winston. (who doesnt count whatsoeveratallnevereverrvevvevevve).
i haven't said it to john. but maybe this time it's real.
it's real feelings. real life.
it's real. just maybe. for once.
i don't look at anyone else, i can't possibly. he's perfect.
he's all i see.
maybe this time.
it's love.
but i won't say it. i've always dreamed of hearing it first.
but for real. i mean i've heard it from my 13 year old boyfriend. that doesn't count. i heard it from marshall, doesn't count.
i want to hear, and feel it.
i want to feel something real.

it's 3 AM on a friday night.
i'm usually with john at these times.
he feels like listening to music and having a "thinking" night.

i'm frustrated with suzie beyond belief.
coming to college and her having the opportunity to have her own friends gives her the chance to drink.
she actually also has been doing this one boy a week thing.
every week she has someone new.
when we first got here she was drinking and passing out beer and asking for it. being pathetic.
it's all because of her current, cameron.
it's ridiculous.
he says "he doesnt force people to do anything"
but he gives her access.
and shes making out with people and drinking, shes not the same.

my other roommate, jeanna, is a complete whore. \
she had sex with TWO boys in 24 hours. two different hours.


aside from that,
i've overwhelemed with everything.
schoolwork.
for intro to international studies, the class content is so fucking boring.
i want to kill myself. he also has overwhelmed me with chapters and chapters of the most boring book known to man.
i don't know if i can keep up.
i just want to burst out crying from school.
my major required 3 years (6 semesters) of french. i HAVE to succeed. and i dont even know if i can pass intro to international because it's so fucking boring and i cant stay awake in class and i can't do the reading and i don't even understand. i fall asleep every class. i can't handle it.

coming to college has made me realize that i'm extremely boring.
i'm not a fun person to be around.
every single night i see john and i have nothing to entertain him with except tv.
i havent played WoW since i moved here.
I have no time.
all my time is with john or with homework or eating.

eating, another big deal.
the campus food is horrible.
when i went to korea i lost a lot of weight.
the campus food has helped me get it ALL back.
i just broke 132.
so i decided to go to the gym
college also makes you eat a lot.
like in the dorms.
at least i've been able to stay away from the soda.
chocolate milk is where it's at.
i eat pasta every day. i'm sick of that too.

i've done 1 hour on the tredmell for the past two days.
i've been watching ellen degeneres and try to remove the weight i've gained.
and then i go to the gym, eat, get fat. oh QQ.

I don't know who i am.
My hobbies? John?
Is that normal to have a hobby of a boyfriend?

Am I happy? Yes.
right now i feel beyond lonely though.
i feel like i'm alone.
i haven't had an opportunity to meet very many people since i dedicate my time to john.
john is great.
i'm really happy.
i think it's close to love.

today we were on his bed and i just took his phone and ran and he jumped on top of me, my legs collapsed and i cut myself. since then he ignored me. we watched the black knight and he laid at the end of the bed and i, at the top. he lay, ignoring me. apparently this made him upset? I don't know what i did. then i just went to sleep out of frustration. he's slept with me every single night except like 3 since we moved here. i didnt think it was a problem. maybe it is. maybe i'm a suffocation. he seemed perfectly happy.
i don't know.
when i woke up he was on his couch and i was leaving and i asked him (my first words to him in like 5 hours even though i was next ot him) and he paused. thought. and then declined.
i was like .........okay?
thinking maybe he'd follow. got back to the room. waited for a knock? nothing.
i get a text 10 minutes in saying "sweet dreams. sorry i didn't comne up, just feel like being alone, listening to music. it's how i think. strange me"
okay. so he wants thinking time.

i get back, suzies not here, still out with cameron.
i feel a perfect opportunity to cry. i havent cried in awhile.

i need to cry. and then suzie returns and so that she won't ask questions i dry up the tears.

whenever i have the weight that i had all during high school, my confidence goes down.

when i got back from korea, i enjoyed looking in the mirror. i'm back to that stage.
i need to lose the weight. it makes me sick to look at.
i hate PCOS and how it's so easy to gain weight.
I hate how suzie ate 7 plates of food for lunch today and gained nothing.
i eat one plate and gain the world.
ugh
 

oh boy.
i don't usually get like this.
i haven't gotten like this in awhile.
but i perhaps have found a weakness.
perhaps he is my weakness.
he does make me weak with his stare/hold.

my days are incomparable to july 31st. i don't even think they're worthy to discuss.
i'm at lonis, when i'm with loni we buy frivolous things and waste loads of money <---- that describes my past three days.
ever since we have touched in person, it's harder to look at him. his absolutely beautiful.
i don't even want to say "goodbye" or "good night" anymore. I find myself preferring to fall asleep on webcam so he's the last thing i see before i fall asleep. (although my computer doesn't like the beating so much.)
i've NEVER been like this. I don't know whats overcoming me, but yet, i like it.
i'm romantic in my brain so that explains why I talk like this, i know that much. my head is in the clouds. (but it's apart of me and i don't want to change it)
i appreciate everything that is given to me. i appreciate this lucky opportunity to start something with him.
and on the first day of college, we've agreed to instantaneously rebel against the conformity our parents have placed us in, ya know, be innocent, and cuddle all night until morning. i think it will make up for this lost time in Korea and Massachusetts.
Starting tomorrow, there is a good chance i won't write in here for about ten days.
i'm proud that i've been able to keep this up.
today, i'm going to visit christine and her boyfriend, cameron. hopefully it won't make me miss john too too much.
i'm purposely sleeping 5 hours so that I can be tired tonight and get a good night sleep and can stay away for 8 hours. lol.

it's the day after a really good day, but you feel like you wanted more and for it not to end. so now you're sad.
maybe.
yesterday was pretty incredible.
my heads swarming with thoughts about this boy.
oh, :)
i think for once, i've found someone worthwhile. not even one trace of a harmful personality.
he's pure innocence and he seems like he appreciates what is given to him.

we went and we saw the black knight and x-files. x-files was kind of the "nervous excitement" feeling movie.
and black knight was the ultimate cuddle fest minus a huge armrest stabbing into my side.
although our faces were touching, i decided not to give him his stereotypical movie kiss. everyone does it in the movies to make it easier.
and since i was his first kiss, i had to make it the perfect time.
although, i did fail when i did. haha. not the most perfect location.
but, the end goodbye was perfection. I don't think I could've asked for a better kiss.
he is something really great and now i'm entirely impatient for college. August 21 is so far awayyyyyy.
At least it's already August.
Which means it's the same month and not THAT far.
oh, smiling fest.

alright. well, it's official i've been traveling for 25 hours. I have adjusted to EST time, as I presumed.
this morning as i was leaving, suzie's brother gave me a present.
He gave me a little statue of mini buddha and some other temples I saw in Gyongsu. It was really sweet. It made me forgive him for peeing on my toilet seat for the last month.
as i was leaving suzie, she gave me a gaudy plastic ring with a heart drawn in it and she told me it was her heart.
i am well known to break things and apparently theres already a crack in it so i'm a little scared to wear, but i am.
it was also cute.
suzie's dad looked teary eyed this morning. that was cute too!
cute cute cute koreans.

so i'm currently sitting in minneapolis, MN.
the airport is large.
my carry ons are heavy.
i got unlucky and i have a small dinky plane between minneapolis and richmond.
so small i can only have 1 carry on which means  i have to valet one of my bags.
thankfully they speak english well in america so the man could give me a window seat.
i'm in  aisle 2 - D
sweet. which means i can get off quick.
lol.
not that much of a benefit but i'm usually screwed sitting in the back.

i really like making friends in airports.
i made friends with a man in japan that is in the military & stationed there.
we had small talk but i enjoyed it.
i learned useless things that will get me nowhere in life like where he went to college rofl.

i also learned that the lady in customs believes i'm an underage alcoholic because i brought back a bottle of wine for my aunt karen.
well shit. now what do i give my aunt. rofl.
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh korean food?
well. that lady was a bitch. she was all like MAKESUREYOUDONTBRINGALCOHOLBACKTOAMERICAYOUUNDERAGEILLEGALJAILBAIT.
idk.
bitch.

i think korea has taken away my appetite.
i ate quiznos, QUIZNOS. I love quiznos.
i didnt even want to eat it.
the milk was okay. i thought i'd appreciate it more.
.........
well we'll see if korea really did hurt me if i don't appreciate taco bell or applebees.
if that happens a big frowny face.
haha.
well, at least i get to enjoy it with john. that's much more far superior than eating silly food.
oh, how excited i am.
although i hope my "friend" subsides so that I don't feel so crappy tomorrow.

it's 6 o clock. which means 2 hours.
bah.
6 hours down 2 to go.
WoW is too laggy to play.

i found that "i kissed a girl" is much more tolerant when a boy sings it.
i will embed it so you can judge for yourself.
i actually lol'd at his video, may you both will too.

as a goodbye present, suzies parents took me out to an extremely expensive Italian resturant.
her father even wrote a speech for me.
he told me that he's grateful i came to korea and he's happy we met.
he has enjoyed me visiting and he hopes to see me soon.
he will miss me, to not worry, be happy.
i actually have the letter.
maybe i'll get around to typing it up.


so now, i've packed everything. and i fear that my large suitcase has now exceeded the 50 lbs limit.
which means 50 less dollars, hurray!

we're getting on the airport bus at 6:15 AM.
which means i have 0 hours of sleep because that's my bedtime.
i am unable to get one last shower in because of the lateness and the lack of me being able to shower because it's in the same room as two sleeping people.
i have a bathtub i could do, but that would not be good since my friend is still visiting.
/sigh
i will wash away everything in my shower! my epic amazing American shower! :)
My shower.
and then.
I will have my bathrobe.
and my bed where I can be naked.
oh joyous.
oh.
yes.
unfortantely because I cannot speak korean, i cannot ask for a window seat on my plane.
which means hello aisle.
party in the aisle.
now i QQ.

oh, by the way. i wasted anger this morning because my tutor came by apologizing because she overslept this morning too.
she bought my presents.
she bought me red shoes which were size 6. i'm a size 10-11.
she bought me an interesting silver purse.
she bought me some phone charms.
phone charms are very very popular in Korea.
every korean phone has a little slot you can put it through.
oh, and she bought me green tea.
oh, i love tea.
peach tea!!
but yet, i'm still grateful. :)
I'm grateful for what is given to me.
suzie actually pointed this out.
i'm always grateful for everything even if they make me miserable.
perhaps that can be a flaw.
maybe not.

we went to the karaoke room for my last time.
skim invited borum.
which meant, a lot of korean music, very little american music.
i decided to sleep away my time in that karaoke room.
i sang few songs. we were there for at least an hour and 45 minutes.
i sang phantom of the opera.
now it's clear to me, i will never be an opera singer.
i sang "low" by flo rida.
now it's clear to me, i cannot rap and will never be a successful rapper.
i sang wonderwall.
now it's clear to me, that song is a part of my past and i should leave it there.
i sang ain't no sunshine.
now it's clear to me, i will never be Bill Withers or black, maybe I should stop trying.
i sang bleeding love.
now it's clear to me, love doesn't bleed wth are you leona lewis or whatever your name is.
oh it's clear now.
karaoke rooms have a bad taste in music.

when i say i do not like the taste of coffee,
it also means i don't like the taste of expresso.
it also means that no, i don't want to share ice cream with you because you're eating a flavor ice cream i do not want/like.

okay, i woke up more cranky because some construction is going on in this building and i woke up to a loud drilling noise.
i woke up less mad though.
i'm making HER apologize.

suzie failed to wake me up, yet again for tutoring.
so there was no proper goodbye and there was no last day of tutoring.
i'm currently angry and very cranky.
AND she even went back to sleep.
fuck dkjhfdjfhjsd
i hate not having my own clock.
it bothers me.
a whole fucking lot.

i packed my suitcases and they're filled to the top with banana doodles and random presents for people.
i bought a box of bread to give to mom since it's delicious and suzies mom told me to bring it in the air conditioning since it was sitting on the screened porch thing. so i did and the first thing i said is "suzie, make sure your brother doesnt eat this if i bring it inside."
low and behold guess what happened.
guess who ate my bread.
fun fun party.
i also found out that i bought too much alcohol to bring overseas. high five to me!

i can't wait until college.
you have the right to do what you want when you want to. which i basically have the right now, but now all of my friends will also have that right.
mothers will not prevent someone from hanging out with me when they feel like it.
mothers will not have a say.
and including future boyfriend(s) in this.
which means permission to cuddle all night and wake up still there.
this will be freedom.
and it's so close.
yet so far away.


i have to smuggle wine into the country and i was thinking, maybe i can take off the label and they won't know.
well, lucky for me, they printed the word "wine" in large letters on the cap.
lucky me.
i have now officially topped johns amount of entries for the day so I can stop writing.

suzie, su bin (her boyfriend) and I walked for at least an hour going nowhere in particular.
and i felt strangely depressed.
oh the way he held her. putting his arm around her when she walked. and the way he looked at her.
lol sup@ my taste.
/shrug must be a korean boy thing.
i'd be a good boy, the ideal boy.
yeahhhhhhhhh buddy.
but unluckily, i'm stuck being the girl which is usually the one who puts more effort in. haha.
sucks for me.
i want to reroll.

i didn't think korea had stars.
i saw my first star in korea tonight. surrounded by clouds.
i miss the summer stars view.
i miss the smell of the lake.
i miss the action packed summers at christopher run.

the world is different here.
i remember the blue ridge mountain sight and the stars coming out.
the stars in the mountains.
the breathtaking sights.

i enjoy nature a little too much perhaps.
i appreciate it a little too much perhaps.

yesterday skim and i went out about into downtown daejeon and took pictures in photo booths, blowed lots of money on shopping, buying an amazing present for someone important in my life, and rode the subway.

the pictures booths make me laugh.
i don't care for all of the litter on the streets though.
people tape club advertisements to the ground everywhere. people hand out pamphlets and flyers everywhere.
i ate mcdonalds twice in a row.
yesterday mcnuggets and today mchicken.
it just so happens theres no Big Mac's in Korea.
they have "bulgogi" burgers. and "BIG "bulgogi" burgers.

after we returned, we hung out with her friend yun jae. he was drunk and so were his friends there. god his friends girlfriend was hideous.
drinking is very important in korea. all the cool kids do it. as well as smoking. although it's popular in america, it's worse in korea. sup@major outcast. theres a korean alcohol called "hite" and it smells like nail polish remover and everyone was drinking, gah-ross.

there were five of us. me, skim, yun jae, and two of his friends.
me and one of yun jae's friends went to a billiard room to played four balls.
i'm horrid at anything that requires a pool stick.
he crushed me. haha.
suzie and one of yun jae's friends left me so she could drink.
yun jae went to a karaoke room alone.
when suzie found me and "sung" (i dont remember his name but something to that effect) and she also had found tae young on the streets. (korean boyfriend she got me lolol). he took over my pool game. apparently he was being extremely rude to all of yun jae's friends. i couldn't understand so it didn't bother me. he both smokes, drinks, spits on the floor a lot, and likes girls that wear fingernail polish. obviously someone i would never date in all reality.suzie said he found her on the streets and asked where I was and followed her until he could see me. he's really into this and i'm like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i'm pretty sure i won't see him again though. haha.



today i told skim I wanted to go out.
once again, no movie.
we walked around daejeon and sit in "the coffee bean" for 2 hours. then we walked in a few circles.
a man goes out of his way to come up to me and he was like talking and talking to me in korean and had his hand out.
I said "WTH IS HE SAYING!?!?!?"
and he wanted to shake my hand. so i let him.
and then i immaturely wiped my hand off. lol.


i like korea though, it's really useful if you have low self esteem. i've been called beautiful by more people in this month than i've heard in my entire life in america. i have been called doll face and they like how my face is small and how my eyes are large. it does make me feel pretty. i think i may foreign exchange here when I do. i like it here and i like these people. i just don't like their food. the only downside.

suzie and i hung out with two of her friends today, miso and borum.
when miso wanted to leave, we sat at the bus station for 30 minutes and now i'm punished because my legs are so itchy. oh gosh, i hate misquitos.

i'm at the point of daydreaming due to lack of physical contact with the opposite gender.
even during a makeout, it feels so good to be so close and pushed towards him.
the close contact is such an incredible feeling. to be pushed so close.
or even to sometimes just stare eye to eye so close.
i'm incredibly strange in the things i enjoy. like my favorite boy part.
i get turned on by singing.
i like my neck being touched and arms around me.
i love neck kisses.
i like laying down next to someone so close.
i like smelling him and almost memorizing the smell. his distinct smell.
i love doing cute things in surprise.
oh boy.
i'm just thinking about this because it's been too long any of this has occured.
i suppose almost a rant.


i'm going to close my eyes for a few minutes.
hopefully i'll wake up. i'm somewhat dozing.

for awhile i've thought about this but never admitted my strange favorite body part on a boy.
it's the waist, the place on their stomach that is just above the top of the boxer line. their waist. unless of course they're chubby/fat. in that case, it would not attract me.

i met skim's long lost lover, su bin, today. he was kinda chubby but she said it's due to alcohol.
he brought along a friend, as usual what koreans do to make numbers equal.
i don't really understand why though, talking to koreans in english is like talking to a wall. i don't really need someone.
besides, i've actually found myself much uninterested in any person with a penis right now.
i'm not looking for anyone, i have my eyes set on one person. so basically it's just a waste of time and effort for skim to get korean boys for me.


/sigh i ate dumplings and THAT even upset my stomach. i don't think i should eat anymore. :( maybe i'll become anorexic due to a shitty stomach. no. i like food. it just doesn't like me. idk what to do. i guess i'll look for a gastreontolgist (sp? lol)

i'm learning an irish song right now because it's beautiful and i want to be able to sing it. obviously, thats why people usually learn songs

i cleaned up byong bum's pee twice in one day.
deargod.
we're going to have a talk later. it's not difficult, he's pottytrained. i realized that there's pee on the like base of the toilet too.

i slept, oh i slept.
sleep is good.
oh precious sleep.

i then proceeded to watch a movie called actually i forgot the name.
all i know was there was love and death.
and i cried over both.
i'm too sensitive!
when people cry, I cry!
oh dear.

suzie brought me baskin robbins and it was cookies and cream.
her brother watched me eat it and he was jealous. he pulled a hissy fit and kind of asked for it.
so i just gave it to him.


i took a bath. i bathed myself two days in a row. i think i'm on a roll.

i think my lovely has been sleeping too long.
or so it feels so.

it's now six days until i'm home.
i had to go to immigration today because my 30 days were up and i needed to extend my stay. i'm now legal again, hurray. now bring me home.

i just had a breakthrough.
possible more of a breakthrough than "pets mart" being "pet smart."

one amazing song, lullaby by the spill canvas, in the chorus he says
"
If you need anything,
Just say the word, I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze
Then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is closed."

i always sung "plant my lips where your necklace is close" and it always somewhat puzzled me. but i get it.
she's turned and he's behind her.
like a spooning.
i get it.


I don't think the sun-sets in korea. or if it does, the city lights pollute it..
usually during the summer, i see skies with amazing rays and colors upon the lake.
i haven't seen one in a very long while. i want to see the sky fall before me again. i actually miss it.
i actually find peace in star gazing as well. i, being the frightful person i am, was scared to lay outside at my lake house because i'm terrified someone would come and abduct me. even in my safe neighborhood i got scared.  and now, i do have someone to enjoy the sky with. apparently he wants the same as me.


i feel heavy eyelids.
maybe i'll sleep to waste time until john's return.
i need something to do so i'm not so bored.


but overall, in my current life,
i've found myself happiness with him.
one goal achieved.